FEAR: What is it telling you?

I was just reminded of the acronym for FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real. So, what does this mean to you? How many times are we creating our own fear by our thoughts? We imagine things happening which have never occurred. And anxiety and worry causes us to become a prisoner of our own mind. What do I know to be true? What do I need to find out first?

It's not all about me

Just had a "Ladder of Inference" moment... I know everyone creates their own "picture of meaning" in their minds, but when it's YOUR picture, sometimes, you can't help but think everyone sees it your way! We all take in facts and data selectively, and add our own meaning and assumptions about those facts. And our conclusions form our beliefs, and then we ACT on those beliefs. And the beliefs, of course, affect what facts we take in next time. So, "I don't see what I don't see!" Right?

When someone left me a message today, they said the recommendation was "inappropriate" for the situation. My meaning of the word inappropriate is not proper or wrong. Eew. I didn't like how that made me feel. What did I do wrong?  What did I miss? What did I say that they didn't like? Am I not enough?

And when I talked with the person about the issue, I realized it had NOTHING to do with me. This person had misunderstood the request from his client, and the recommendation simply didn't fit and wasn't what was needed.  Now my ah-ha certainly isn't around the definition of words, or how they differ from person to person. It's the realization (continuous!) that we make assumptions, create our own meaning and ACT on our beliefs without fully checking in for understanding all of the time.

So, let me have a daily mantra, please, "It's not all about me."

I'm not too busy

Being in the time management business, I have come to strongly dislike the word "busy."  How many times do we say we haven't done something because we are too busy? It's a weak word. It implies a victim mentality.

And I just caught myself saying I hadn't done something because I was busy. Guess what? It's not a news flash: EVERYONE is busy these days. I want to replace "busy" with the truth. And that is.... I haven't made time for this.  Perhaps I will get to the real reason. What is getting my attention? Is this what I want? What is the real reason why this hasn't been done? How could I look at it differently?

I'm not too busy. I'm simply making choices.

On Fire for Seligman

I'm on my third book by Dr. Martin Seligman, and it's not even on the mandatory-read list! But his work speaks to me. It's significant and potentially life changing.

Dr. Seligman is considered the father of Positive Psychology, and yes, there is such a thing. He is the Fox Leadership Professor of Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania and former director of the American Psychological Association.

I finished Authentic Happiness last week and found his approach both practical and inspiring. Here are a few points to pass along and ones I want to remember:
- Happiness and well being is used interchangeably and can include positive feelings - It may refer to activities in which nothing is felt at all. (absorption and engagement)
- He divides positive emotions into three kinds: past, present and future.
- Past emotions include satisfaction and contentment.
- Future emotions include optimism, hope, confidence and trust.
- Present emotions are again divided into two categories:  pleasures, which are of the body, and gratification, which are more complicated and more learned than sensory ones.
- Feelings are subjective and the final judge is "whoever lives inside a person's skin."
- Research has been show that the tests of these states can be rigorously measured. The measures are repeatable, stable across time and consistent across situations.
- These emotions, and how to have them in abundance, is the centerpiece of the first part of the book.

I also like his point on gratifications - rock climbing, dancing or playing bridge. The gratifications absorb and engage us fully; they block self-consciousness; they block felt emotion, except in retrospect ("Wow, that was fun!"); and they create flow, the state in which time stops and one feels completely at home. And he says gratifications come from developing ones own personal strengths. It's not about obtaining momentary subjective states, but rather, includes the idea that one's life has been authentic. His definition of authentic is deriving gratification and positive emotion from one's signature strengths.

I am fascinated with positive emotion - not in a superficial, let's not face reality kind of way - but in a way that knows that what we dwell upon, we become. Our minds are very powerful tools. Am I being intentional? Am I making choices for my well being? What is possible for me?