Let Your Life Speak

I'm so moved by Parker Palmer's book, "Let Your Life Speak" - I want to share the message I found so compelling and compassionate.

We start at a very young age with the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Answers range from various occupations and titles with external attributes and characteristics we admire or want to have. Vocation, then, does seem to be more of an act of will, a determination to make your life go one way or another, rather than growing from within.

Palmer says vocation does not come from willfulness, but rather, from listening. The word vocation is actually rooted in Latin for "voice."  Vocation isn't something I pursue, but a calling that I hear. How many of us have actually stopped to truly listen to the message speaking from within? What am I not only wired to do, but compelled to do? When do I feel led from a deep sense of truth, that if stifled, suffocates the soul?

He says, "I must listen for the truths and values at the heart of my own identity, not the standards by which I must live - but the standards by which I cannot help but live if I am living my own life."

Your power, a leader's real power, comes from first listening to the call within you. Without it, there is no clarity, no truth,  no substance. If we believe each of us leads by words and actions, then listening to what's already there grants us authenticity and a voice which is heard and seen by others.

Switching Gears

Earlier this morning, I participated in my first "duathalon" class - Technically, a duathlon is a competition that is composed of running and biking where you switch back and forth - run-bike-run. This means you start with a run, then transition to the bike, then transition back to running again. And since your the time includes you switching from running to cycling and back again as part of your race time, this meant the instructor was working his stopwatch! Now I had little to no motivation in my time - my motivation was purely one of curiosity and and avoiding work-out ruts.

It was one of the longest hours I have ever lived... I couldn't get in a real rhythm, and just when I thought I could do several of the intervals, the rules changed - the pace, time, something changed on me. My legs felt weak and trembled when I went from the bike to the track, and my only focus was my breath.

Just after the class ended and I was still panting like a dog, I began to think of all of the change and switching back and forth we are asked to do these days. Leaders frequently tell me their organization is much faster-paced than others; it's much leaner with a larger volume of work. They believe their culture is unique in speed and rigor, and many times, it's leaving them out of breath and stressed.

So the real win seems not to be how fast you are in one area, but how smoothly you can switch gears. It's creating focus when things get fuzzy, and staying the course even when you want to give up. Figuring out what you truly value and being connected with your purpose can give you the resilience against stress. Without this clarity, leading becomes yet another lap to run, another thing to do.  

If switching gears is here to stay, then ask: How do you handle changing directions? How do you interpret the shift? Are you a victim, or do you blame others? Where do you get stuck, and most importantly, how do you get unstuck?

Time Out

When my 12-year old twins were younger, I used the classic "time out" as a consequence for behavior.  For the most part, it helped the situation by changing the environment and therefore, shifting the mood, even though it wasn't particularly welcomed by them. 


As I work with leaders who have multiple priorities and demands, I wonder about the value of a "time out" in evaluating what's most important. What's the value in a stopping point? To a high achieving leader, this isn't an easy thing - it's not welcomed as adults anymore than kids. Let's face it, stopping in a lean, fast-paced, performance oriented culture doesn't seem like a natural next step. 


But what if this step gave us the chance to truly move forward? To Expand. Notice. Listen. Discern. Prioritizing the time to stop may help us more fully see the possibilities in front of us.  Just two minutes of breathing with intention and becoming aware of the present moment can give us some desperately needed clarity and insight. 


In your daily life, where do you take the time to reflect, create, and discover what's really happening? Where can you shift to make this priority a reality?  

Sellouts

In rereading "Crucial Conversations" again, I'm reminded of the power of sellouts. They seem small, almost insignificant. But, they have a lot of power!

I love the William Shakespeare quote, "Nothing in this world is good or bad, but thinking makes it so." Isn't that true?!  That's just it - our stories explain (to us!) what's going on.  They are our interpretation of the facts. They help us explain what we see and hear -the why, how and what.  Why did that happen?  He must have thought I wasn't prepared.... or She is controlling and insensitive. Our stories generate strong feelings.

As the authors say, the truth is that any set of facts can be used to tell an infinite number of stories. So why do we tell clever stories? That's the link to the sellouts - stories keep us from acknowledging the sellouts.We don't typically tell stories UNTIL we have done something that we feel a need to justify. We sell out when we consciously go against our own sense of what's right. And once we've sold out, we have to own up to it (which we don't like to do, obviously!), or justify ourselves.

Risking EVERYTHING

I recommend this book.....
“Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?” —Mary Oliver
This luminous anthology brings together great poets from around the world whose work transcends culture and time. Their words reach past the outer divisions to the universal currents of love and revelation that move and inspire us all. These poems urge us to wake up and love. They also call on us to relinquish our grip on ideas and opinions that confine us and, instead, to risk moving forward into the life that is truly ours.In his selection, Roger Housden has placed strong emphasis on contemporary voices such as the American poet laureate Billy Collins and the Nobel Prize–winners Czeslaw Milosz and Seamus Heaney, but the collection also includes some timeless echoes of the past in the form of work by masters such as Goethe, Wordsworth, and Emily Dickinson.The tens of thousands of readers of Roger Housden’s “Ten Poems” series will welcome this beautiful harvest of poems that both open the mind and heal the heart.

The Intuitive Mind

“The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.” Albert Einstein

Why do we give our power away?

Why do we give our power away?

If we give it away, we start looking for it from other places.

Part of living with clarity is holding yourself and seeing your power.

When we see who we are, we see our

God given talents & strengths.

Purpose.

Our authentic swing.

Essence.

There is an illumination, a force, when we hold this. 

"There's a Hole in my Sidewalk"

This is one of my favorite poems right now, “There’s a Hole in my Sidewalk“, by Portia Nelson

Chapter 1.
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost…
I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I cant believe I am in this same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in… its a habit.
But, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter 4.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter 5.
I walk down another street

FEAR: What is it telling you?

I was just reminded of the acronym for FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real. So, what does this mean to you? How many times are we creating our own fear by our thoughts? We imagine things happening which have never occurred. And anxiety and worry causes us to become a prisoner of our own mind. What do I know to be true? What do I need to find out first?

It's not all about me

Just had a "Ladder of Inference" moment... I know everyone creates their own "picture of meaning" in their minds, but when it's YOUR picture, sometimes, you can't help but think everyone sees it your way! We all take in facts and data selectively, and add our own meaning and assumptions about those facts. And our conclusions form our beliefs, and then we ACT on those beliefs. And the beliefs, of course, affect what facts we take in next time. So, "I don't see what I don't see!" Right?

When someone left me a message today, they said the recommendation was "inappropriate" for the situation. My meaning of the word inappropriate is not proper or wrong. Eew. I didn't like how that made me feel. What did I do wrong?  What did I miss? What did I say that they didn't like? Am I not enough?

And when I talked with the person about the issue, I realized it had NOTHING to do with me. This person had misunderstood the request from his client, and the recommendation simply didn't fit and wasn't what was needed.  Now my ah-ha certainly isn't around the definition of words, or how they differ from person to person. It's the realization (continuous!) that we make assumptions, create our own meaning and ACT on our beliefs without fully checking in for understanding all of the time.

So, let me have a daily mantra, please, "It's not all about me."

I'm not too busy

Being in the time management business, I have come to strongly dislike the word "busy."  How many times do we say we haven't done something because we are too busy? It's a weak word. It implies a victim mentality.

And I just caught myself saying I hadn't done something because I was busy. Guess what? It's not a news flash: EVERYONE is busy these days. I want to replace "busy" with the truth. And that is.... I haven't made time for this.  Perhaps I will get to the real reason. What is getting my attention? Is this what I want? What is the real reason why this hasn't been done? How could I look at it differently?

I'm not too busy. I'm simply making choices.

On Fire for Seligman

I'm on my third book by Dr. Martin Seligman, and it's not even on the mandatory-read list! But his work speaks to me. It's significant and potentially life changing.

Dr. Seligman is considered the father of Positive Psychology, and yes, there is such a thing. He is the Fox Leadership Professor of Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania and former director of the American Psychological Association.

I finished Authentic Happiness last week and found his approach both practical and inspiring. Here are a few points to pass along and ones I want to remember:
- Happiness and well being is used interchangeably and can include positive feelings - It may refer to activities in which nothing is felt at all. (absorption and engagement)
- He divides positive emotions into three kinds: past, present and future.
- Past emotions include satisfaction and contentment.
- Future emotions include optimism, hope, confidence and trust.
- Present emotions are again divided into two categories:  pleasures, which are of the body, and gratification, which are more complicated and more learned than sensory ones.
- Feelings are subjective and the final judge is "whoever lives inside a person's skin."
- Research has been show that the tests of these states can be rigorously measured. The measures are repeatable, stable across time and consistent across situations.
- These emotions, and how to have them in abundance, is the centerpiece of the first part of the book.

I also like his point on gratifications - rock climbing, dancing or playing bridge. The gratifications absorb and engage us fully; they block self-consciousness; they block felt emotion, except in retrospect ("Wow, that was fun!"); and they create flow, the state in which time stops and one feels completely at home. And he says gratifications come from developing ones own personal strengths. It's not about obtaining momentary subjective states, but rather, includes the idea that one's life has been authentic. His definition of authentic is deriving gratification and positive emotion from one's signature strengths.

I am fascinated with positive emotion - not in a superficial, let's not face reality kind of way - but in a way that knows that what we dwell upon, we become. Our minds are very powerful tools. Am I being intentional? Am I making choices for my well being? What is possible for me?

It's all about the client

One of the answers I've heard so many times in this class is, "It's all about the client." It's an answer for...

Is there a story here? 

What is essential to shift the observer in the "observer I am" model? 

How will you know when you have met your outcomes? 

How do you know which direction to go from this point? 

Am I being an effective coach?

Am I serving my client? 

It's not about me, it's about the client...

The Power to Serve

I've already acknowledged this feeling of going "down under" when I have class. It's a rich, rewarding, but many times, an overwhelming experience.   I can't believe I am at the mid-point right now, and I am processing as fast as I can all of the ways I've been touched. So, the posts will come in the next several days I am sure, but in the meantime, here's a quote I like today:

"This the true joy of life, the being used up
for a purpose recognized by yourself as a
mighty one; being a force of nature instead of
a feverish, selfish little clot of ailments
and grievances, complaining that the world
will not devote itself to making you happy."

George Bernard Shaw

After all is Said and Done

The except from Scott sums up a lot for me right now...

After all is said and done, the most powerful tool you have is your self, your way of being, your way of thinking and feeling, the way you work and behave with each of us and everyone else. Who you are shows up in countless ways and has everything to do with your success.  


I believe this.

Each of us owns a piece of the truth

I didn't like the name of the book, "Fierce Conversations" when I first read it - when I think of fierce, I think of aggressiveness, or a pitt bull. And I generally don't like aggressiveness or pitt bulls.  Of course, the author frames fierce as showing a heartfelt and powerful intensity. Now that I like.

One of the lines which keeps circulating in my brain is the idea that all confrontation is a SEARCH for truth. Who owns the truth?  Each of us owns a piece of it, and nobody owns all of it. In a confrontation, I am truly asking someone to describe reality from his or her point of view. That feels much safer to me. And when two people are engaged in that spirit, such conversation will indeed enrich relationships.

Do I want to change my relationships?  Yes. Then I will change my conversations.

Finding the way

"There are insights and emotions that can find you in no other way than through and within silence."

Silence

Well, my family thought it was funny, really funny, that last night's chapter was on silence. They thought it was funnier that I would attempt to use silence to communicate with them.  Laugh now, but I think things will come out of them more truthfully and completely if I shut up a bit more. A lot more.

Silence is a space which allows us to focus on the cause, not the effect. We can see the issue, not symptom. How many times do we chase, or react to them?  It's indeed true that half the battle is identifying and resolving the real issue. "The problem named is the problem solved." Susan Scott.

Making room for the Answers

I really don't like it, well, actually, I hate it, when I don't have the answer to something I want. A lot.  I feel like I have the ability to figure it out and come up with something that works for me if I think about it long and hard enough. But the real power comes from making room, or emptying myself. If I have the question and the answer, there's no room, right? But, if I allow the space, the silence, the not-knowing, all of a sudden, I allow the possibility of something ELSE showing up.

It's the story in Susan Scott's Fierce Conversations which hits me right now.... "I am reminded of the story of the man who visits a Zen master. The man asks, "What truths can you teach me?" The master replies, "Do you like tea?" The man nods his head, and the master pours him a cup of tea. The cup fills and the tea spills." Still the master pours. The man, of course, protests, and the master responds, "Return to me when you are empty." The lesson here is that we need to empty ourselves of our preconceived beliefs in order to be open to a broader, more complex reality. .....Before we can learn, we must unlearn. Enjoy the cup!"

Fierce Conversations

Love this quote from Susan Scott in her book, "Fierce Conversations" - What I've witnessed over and over is that when the conversation is real, the change occurs before the conversation has even ended. Being real is not the risk. The real risk is that: 


I will be known. 


I will be seen. 


I will be changed.