It's all about the client

One of the answers I've heard so many times in this class is, "It's all about the client." It's an answer for...

Is there a story here? 

What is essential to shift the observer in the "observer I am" model? 

How will you know when you have met your outcomes? 

How do you know which direction to go from this point? 

Am I being an effective coach?

Am I serving my client? 

It's not about me, it's about the client...

The Power to Serve

I've already acknowledged this feeling of going "down under" when I have class. It's a rich, rewarding, but many times, an overwhelming experience.   I can't believe I am at the mid-point right now, and I am processing as fast as I can all of the ways I've been touched. So, the posts will come in the next several days I am sure, but in the meantime, here's a quote I like today:

"This the true joy of life, the being used up
for a purpose recognized by yourself as a
mighty one; being a force of nature instead of
a feverish, selfish little clot of ailments
and grievances, complaining that the world
will not devote itself to making you happy."

George Bernard Shaw

After all is Said and Done

The except from Scott sums up a lot for me right now...

After all is said and done, the most powerful tool you have is your self, your way of being, your way of thinking and feeling, the way you work and behave with each of us and everyone else. Who you are shows up in countless ways and has everything to do with your success.  


I believe this.

Each of us owns a piece of the truth

I didn't like the name of the book, "Fierce Conversations" when I first read it - when I think of fierce, I think of aggressiveness, or a pitt bull. And I generally don't like aggressiveness or pitt bulls.  Of course, the author frames fierce as showing a heartfelt and powerful intensity. Now that I like.

One of the lines which keeps circulating in my brain is the idea that all confrontation is a SEARCH for truth. Who owns the truth?  Each of us owns a piece of it, and nobody owns all of it. In a confrontation, I am truly asking someone to describe reality from his or her point of view. That feels much safer to me. And when two people are engaged in that spirit, such conversation will indeed enrich relationships.

Do I want to change my relationships?  Yes. Then I will change my conversations.

Finding the way

"There are insights and emotions that can find you in no other way than through and within silence."

Silence

Well, my family thought it was funny, really funny, that last night's chapter was on silence. They thought it was funnier that I would attempt to use silence to communicate with them.  Laugh now, but I think things will come out of them more truthfully and completely if I shut up a bit more. A lot more.

Silence is a space which allows us to focus on the cause, not the effect. We can see the issue, not symptom. How many times do we chase, or react to them?  It's indeed true that half the battle is identifying and resolving the real issue. "The problem named is the problem solved." Susan Scott.

Making room for the Answers

I really don't like it, well, actually, I hate it, when I don't have the answer to something I want. A lot.  I feel like I have the ability to figure it out and come up with something that works for me if I think about it long and hard enough. But the real power comes from making room, or emptying myself. If I have the question and the answer, there's no room, right? But, if I allow the space, the silence, the not-knowing, all of a sudden, I allow the possibility of something ELSE showing up.

It's the story in Susan Scott's Fierce Conversations which hits me right now.... "I am reminded of the story of the man who visits a Zen master. The man asks, "What truths can you teach me?" The master replies, "Do you like tea?" The man nods his head, and the master pours him a cup of tea. The cup fills and the tea spills." Still the master pours. The man, of course, protests, and the master responds, "Return to me when you are empty." The lesson here is that we need to empty ourselves of our preconceived beliefs in order to be open to a broader, more complex reality. .....Before we can learn, we must unlearn. Enjoy the cup!"

Fierce Conversations

Love this quote from Susan Scott in her book, "Fierce Conversations" - What I've witnessed over and over is that when the conversation is real, the change occurs before the conversation has even ended. Being real is not the risk. The real risk is that: 


I will be known. 


I will be seen. 


I will be changed. 

Yes, that's fascinating!

I accidentally break a favorite glass with wet hands, review the list of 3 voice mails not returned before the day's end and replay the sharp remark made to my daughter from her empty bowl on the basement floor.... How fascinating to make so many mistakes within a mere two hours of my post yesterday.  And although these are really such micro experiences along the way, and none particularly consequential, it reminds me of the power available when you invite the framework of possibilities into your life.  It's true. One less glass to clean and store, 3 people I will be more refreshed and ready to talk to tomorrow and two people who figure out a better way to help each other out.

I love the quote by the great cellest Gaspar Cassado, "I'm so sorry for you; your lives have been so easy. You can't play great music unless your heart's been broken."  Now that's a possibility.

Trading survival for energy

Life does take on a different shape and meaning when a person is able to transcend the barriers of personal survival - whatever that means for that person - and become a unique conduit for its vital energy. What is holding you back?  What is keeping you separate and in control? What can you do to shape your passion into a new expression for the world?

What do I really (really!) want to see happen in my life? My family? My profession?

How Fascinating!

I love this idea from the Zanders, and although my girls think I'm crazy, they are going along with it...we are going to lift our arms in the air and with a smile, say, "How Fascinating!" when we make a mistake. Wow. That's GREAT!  WHY? I say, "Why not?"  Let's bring on the mistakes - do we want to people who are open, curious and above all, learners?  I say, "YES.... How fascinating!"

The Way Things Are

I'm learning to be present to the ways things are, which includes accepting my feelings about the way things are. So many times we run away, get out of the way or slip behind the scenes to avoid the way things are. I don't think you can do that. Being present to the way things are doesn't mean I'm accepting things as they are without negative feelings, or pretending I like it. I'm not going to some "higher plan of existence" that's for sure! It, whatever it is, catches up to you, and asks (sometimes demands!) you deal with it. 

I can feel anxious about the reading or work for the class, or feel overwhelmed with client work for the upcoming week. It makes me feel irritable or inadequate to meet the expectations I have placed on myself, my family and others. But just simply being present with these feelings shrinks their power a bit.  I'm learning to let things sit by my side, and be present to the way things are right now.  

I am done with great things....

"I am done with great things and big plans, great institutions and big successes.  I am for those tiny, invisible loving human forces that work from individual to individual, creeping through the crannies of the world like so many rootlets, or like the capillary oozing of water, yet which, if given time, will rend the hardest monuments of human pride."

William James

I am the Board, Not the Piece

You'd think it would be easy to create post after post during my week's class each month. There is a lot of coaching and leadership material for me to use.... But honestly, I can't think of a thing to write because I'm so busy "drinking from a fire hose!" Every cell in my body seems to be transforming at some level, and it just takes me some time to consciously figure out what it means to me.  I can also say there are feelings of being "consciously incompetent" as I go through the competency ladder with new sets of skills - the knowledge that I now know what I don't know! Uggh.

So, I'm going to quote Rosamund Stone Zander and Ben Zander from "The Art of Possibility" to share what I am thinking and feeling right now:  "When you identify yourself as a single chess piece-and by analogy, as an individual in a particular role-you can only react to, complain about, or resist the moves that interrupted your plans. But, if you name yourself as the board itself, you can turn all you attention to what you want to see happen, with none paid to what you need to win or fight or fix. ... You, as the board, make room for all the moves, for the capture of the knight and the sacrifice of the bishop, for your good driving and the accident, for your miserable childhood and the circumstances of your parents' lives, for your need and another's refusal. Why? Because that is what is there. It is the way things are."

That's pretty powerful for me....if I am the board, and not the piece, then it opens up a whole new framework for me to create. My life has power not from what happens, but from my choice of response. How many times do we fight and struggle because we think of ourselves as the piece, not the board? I limit my thinking, my options and my joy if I am anything but the board.